Life

My Thoughts on Marriage

Although I consider myself a very hopeless romantic, I don’t feel that marriage is for me. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in being monogamous and faithful but I just don’t see myself ever getting married.

I’ve been in love twice in my life and both times I actually thought I wanted to marry them. Things didn’t work out and I’m happily single now.

My parents have been married for nearly 35 years. They are basically the only happy, successful marriage on both sides of the family. They even counseled engaged, newlyweds, and married couples for several years.

I learned a lot from my mom over the years. I learned what to look for in a partner and also some red flags to watch out for. I learned that a marriage takes work. I learned that it’s more than just love. A marriage based on only passion will not last. You need kindness, respect, loyalty, trust, and among all else, you need to be friends.
I’ve watched so many marriages fall apart right before me. Some marriages I knew won’t last. Then there were other marriages that failed, that really shocked and saddened me.

I meant what I said, I am a hopeless romantic. I absolutely love to see couples who have been married 25 years and up.

In fact, just today, we had a client come in and we made small talk with him. It turns out that he and his wife will celebrate their 55th wedding anniversary this July. He was a very funny, witty, and sweet man. I asked him what was the secret to staying together for so long, he replied, “We decided long ago that whoever filed for divorce first had to take the kids.” I thought that was pretty funny. On a more serious note, they spend a lot of time together, talking, laughing, arguing, shopping, traveling, you name it. That’s what it’s all about.

I feel that marriage isn’t for me but I’m always thrilled to see a happy couple.

This isn’t a pity party. I’m not feeling sorry for myself. This is just how I feel. Marriage isn’t for everyone. My parents, of course, don’t like this kind of talk and claim that I just haven’t met the right person. Maybe. I think I have a better chance of winning the lottery though.

I do hope to be in a long term, committed relationship someday and if that does happen, I don’t think it will involve exchanging rings or vows.

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10 thoughts on “My Thoughts on Marriage

  1. Oh, COMMITMENT involves vows, even if they’re unspoken and given without tangible tokens. But never mind – if it happens, it happens. And with your attitude, it’ll happen sooner than later. 😉 But seriously, no – marriage isn’t for everyone, and the only thing sadder than realizing that too late is realizing too late that PARENTHOOD isn’t for everyone. Enjoy your life your way. It’s the only one you get (for certain). Just live and make the most of it. If you can be happy on your own, or with friends, then there’s no problem – married or unmarried – is there?

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    • Good point, you are essentially making some sort of vow when you commit to someone.
      And yes, the saddest part is realizing you don’t or can’t be married anymore and you have kids – that is my nightmare.
      But anyway, we’ll see what the future holds for Mia …

      Also, why are you up so late/early? lol

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      • No, that’s not the saddest part at all – I know people who are BETTER parents after divorce than they ever were, married. I was talking about people who have babies they never wanted in the first place. Or people who have babies because they think that’s somehow going to save their marriage, instead of being the last nail in its coffin. That’s the saddest part.

        But I do believe you don’t go looking for love. It finds you. Sometimes when you least expect or even want it to. You have to love yourself first, and need nothing you can’t provide. “Needy” isn’t very attractive; “confident” is.

        Mia, you’re going to have to hide under a rock to end up alone.

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      • Oh I see what you mean. And you’re right. I’ve seen that happen way too many times, “this baby will save our marriage.”
        I do believe that love does come to you when you least expect it. Good point.

        “Mia, you’re going to have to hide under a rock to end up alone.” – That is a huge compliment. Thank you! 🙂

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  2. I admit that I don’t know you very well and so it would be presumptuous of me to make anything beyond general comments, so I won’t. I will say that our situations are not that dissimilar. I’ve probably been in love the same number of times as you and had it come to nothing. Based on what you wrote, I probably know more people who have made marriage work than you, at least in my family.

    The things to remember though are that all of the things that you listed that are necessary to make a marriage work don’t become any less important if the relationship never ends at the alter or the court house. Most relationships that fail either fail because of selfishness or laziness.

    Either the two people start to think more about their own needs than the needs of their partner or the two people fall into the comfort zone and stop doing the things that are necessary to keep a relationship healthy and interesting.

    They keep track of the rate of marriages that end in divorce because that is an easy enough thing to track since there are records. But nobody keeps track of how many relationships are entered into at al and then go bad, that would be an impossible thing to track anyway. Simple logic says that the couple that is together a long time but never marries is as statistically likely to end up breaking up as the married couple if not more so. I say that because the problems they face are the same and they don’t have as many legeal entanglements that might motivate them to stay together as the married couple. We just hear about the divorce rate because unlike in the other case, there are records that can be used to compile data.

    I think, if I am reading you right, that you have a smart attitude however. You seem to be saying that you don’t feel like marriage is for you but you’re never going to say never. This is smart. There’s no need to write that decision in cement until it is really a choice that you actually need to make. Speaking only for myself, it is my experience that the things I say I will never do again or never do at all, always seem to be the things I end up doing sooner or later. Me personally, I want to get married some day but that is less of a priority than finding the right person to share my life with if that makes sense. In other words, I’ll worry first about finding the right person and once that happens is when I’ll deal with the other stuff.

    Thanks for sharing this entry, it gives a good look into your thought processes and the things that you really value.

    Sorry to make this comment so long. 🙂

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    • Yes, I’m careful not to use the word “never” because I don’t know what my future holds.
      I’ve heard of so many disastrous marriages from my mom. And while she always maintained the strictest confidentiality, she made sure to tell me to look for the right qualities and what kind of people to avoid.
      Because of that, I always watch people very closely, observe them, learn what makes them tick. And that leads to me occasionally breaking off relationships because I observe a behavior that I dislike or that worries me.
      My brother very much wants a family of his own, And frankly I hope it happens for him for a number of reasons, number one – he’s a good guy, Number two – if he has kids then it takes the pressure off me to produce grandchildren.

      And I’ll ask you the same thing I asked Holly, why are you up so late/early? lol

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      • Why am I awake so early? Well, lets just say that my sleep schedule is all messed up and so at the time I wrote my original comment I was feeling like a person would be used to feeling at about noon or 1 PM.

        The last couple of weeks have pretty much sucked (you can contact me privately for that) but they are most of why I’ve been keeping such odd hours lately.

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      • So did I, for a long time. Then my doctor prescribed ambien and that was the closest I have ever come to a drug addiction…bad times. Now I sleep alright when I sleep but if I don’t keep a strict bed time things can get crazy, such is happening now.

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