General, Life

Which Stage Am I Now?

So, to get everyone caught up real quick – I left TX last week and moved Home. I was very fortunate to come Home with a job offer. I started my new job last Monday and so far so good.

I spent the weekend on the other side of the water with my parents. I’m here permanently but this is the first time I’ve been Home since my grandma passed. Since she’s part of the reason I joined the Episcopal Church, I decided to attend her former church this morning.

I don’t know why. I guess it was my way of saying goodbye and getting a chance to see her ashes. My dad has her old car, so I drove that to her church. It was an odd feeling to say the least, driving her car to her church. Without her.

I arrived at church just as the service started. I sat in an empty pew towards the middle. Just sitting there during the opening prayers made me emotional. In 1996, when my grandma (recently widowed at the time) moved from NYC down to where we lived, she found that church. Every time my brother or I spent the weekend with her, we went to church with her, same as we did in NYC. This morning, as the choir sang the first hymnal, I could feel the tears down my face as much as I tried to fight it. In 20 years, this is the first time, I’ve ever attended this church without her.

During the readings, I wondered if I had made a mistake and if I should leave. I felt a little bit of panic. When the Rector gave her sermon, I felt a peace come over. I had met the Rector, Reverend Rhonda, before and liked her immediately. I enjoyed her message and felt it truly came from a spiritual place.

During the passing of the peace, a few people recognized who I was by my name tag.

When the service was over, I waited until the majority of the congregation and walked up to Reverend Rhonda, as soon as she saw my name tag, she pulled me into a hug. I got teary-eyed again. She gave her condolences and told me how glad she was to see me there. She asked if I would come again, I shook my head no unable to speak. She asked if today was difficult, I nodded. She told me I was welcome to contact her even if it was to cry together. I nodded and practically ran back to my car crying.

I also went to her condo today. I walked around the place, looking around each room. It didn’t feel right without her. When I came here last week, my parents offered the condo for me to use until I found a place. I couldn’t and still can’t.

It wasn’t until much later today that I realized I hadn’t gotten a chance to see wear her urn was. Her final wishes were for her ashes to be kept at the church and made the financial arrangements before she passed. I guess I have to go back the to the church after all.

This whole day was about me trying to reach the acceptance stage but I’m still not there. I can’t force it.

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2 thoughts on “Which Stage Am I Now?

  1. No, I don’t think you’re there quite yet, but maybe skirting around the edges. Did it cross your mind that she might’ve wanted you to come back to the church that had been HER church – that not seeing her urn is exactly how this had to play out? 🙂 You’ll get there, eventually. Gradually. Slowly. Not in weeks or months, probably, but in years – and it will get easier all the while, bit by bit. It sounds like you had a good cry, and although it hurt it was probably a good step towards healing that hurt.

    Liked by 1 person

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